How dare you?!
That’s so unlike you!
I can’t believe you would do/think/act like that!
I’m so disappointed…
Have you had one of these interactions (or internal experiences) lately? Our relationships — to each other, to systems, to groups, and even to ideas, are coming up for review. We are seeing the true colors, and sometimes the shock can cause weeks of ripple effects as we process the feelings of betrayal. But are we really being victimized or did we just not want to see, acknowledge, and accept the full truth of the dynamic previous to a given offense? Did we somehow play into a fantasy of what we thought was going on only to be taken aback when the truth was exposed?
When it goes from all good to all bad, that plummeting fall from grace can be referred to as a rupture of idealization.
This rupture is the end of the childlike illusion that merger, sameness, and agreement equal love. Embedded in the seeming harmony is a promise: that she is who you think she is and she will stay that way. This is why you can “rely” and “depend” on those you have love relationships with. You know them and you expect them to be that person that you know, for good. The promise of this kind of love soothes the nervous system. It feels like safety.
But what happens when there is an event so shocking, so distressing, so inexplicable that it turns the lights on in the room? And you can’t NOT see what’s in front of you?